The Five Stages of the Scratch

I love my cat, Coco, she loves me. She’s asleep on my bed, curled into a big, furry donut. I lean over and push my face into the middle of all that warm-and-soft. I love you, Coco! Out of all that warm-and-soft emerges a single paw, claws engaged. With lightning speed, it swipes across my right eye socket.

She’s blinded me! She’s slashed my eyeball open! She’s ripped my eyelid off! I’ll be drenched in spurting blood ... 

I look in the mirror and I see ... not a mark. Nothing. Eyeball ungashed. Vision Intact. And then ...

Coco! You tried to scratch me — ON MY FACE!!!

This is where every cat owner begins the Five Stages of the Scratch. 

STAGE ONE: Disbelief

This stage is characterized by yelling, gesticulation and unpleasant epithets. How could you? I feed you — twice a day! You rotten little bag of putrid rain-soaked gutter leaves! Your cat has NEVER scratched you before. She has ALWAYS welcomed your affectionate advances. (Notice how this stage is amplified by your delusional thinking.) This is an outrage!

STAGE TWO: Outrage

Threats, disavowal and animal-like growls and grunts are common manifestations. I’m taking you back to the shelter tomorrow! Next time I’ll swat you back! I’ll get a better cat — a sweeter one, and cuter! “Cuter“ is a trigger word into the next stage.

STAGE THREE: Grudging reality

There is, of course, no cuter cat than yours. This disturbing realization derails your train of outrage. Your cat realizes the shift in your attitude. She moves out of her hiding place — now you see her face clearly. Her eyes plead. Her chin quivers slightly. The onset of the next stage knocks the wind out of you.

STAGE FOUR: Guilt

She didn’t mean to claw you in the face. You DID interrupt her snooze. She IS a cat, after all. Doesn’t she deserve, hasn’t she earned, your patient understanding? Be an adult, for heaven’s sake, give her the benefit of the doubt. Wait, what doubt? She’s an innocent cat, she trusts you, and you YELLED at her. She has moved closer to you. She turns her back, sits tall and stiff, and wraps her tail securely around her paws. 

STAGE FIVE: Reconciliation and penance

There may be tears. There may be groveling. There will be apologies and, often, icky baby talk. You’ll be sorry you said mean things. Sorry you got mad at all. Sorry you accused her. Sorry you thought her capable of evil motives.

Your cat may appear slow to forgive, but this hesitancy is actually a strategic pause. She’s giving you time to figure out how many cat treats it will take to get back in her good graces. Your first attempt will always be inadequate. Do it, but follow with more acts of penance — more treats, petting, cuddling, laser play, raw steak, fresh catnip — until she comes around. 

Because she is a cat, it may be hard to tell exactly when she has come around. Wait, observe, make overtures — but above all, don’t pressure her. You will be eager to reconcile; she will not.

While you wait, check her litter box to make sure you haven’t missed anything. Prepare her favorite grooming tool for a relaxing session. Put out extra food or treats, or both. Fluff her cat bed.

Remember, the more you learn, the better cat owner you can be. Accept this fact: In your cat’s view, you can always be better.